I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i've created a new STD.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
