Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
