You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
