she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
