I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
