I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
