I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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