Do you still have your period?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
