carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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