So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
