new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
