i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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