I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
