your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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