I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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