What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
