Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Panties = found
Randomize
