I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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