cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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