Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
