I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
