i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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