I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
