just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
