i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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