I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
