Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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