it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
