K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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