You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
