when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
