so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
