Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
