I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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