I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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