Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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