Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
