Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
