so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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