Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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