Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
