My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
