It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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