So drunk its hurt
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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