Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
