I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
