i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
