i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
