I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
