She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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