youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
