so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Randomize
