the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
im on a boat
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