don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
